Pitiful
by Y-c-h-e-r-r-y-Y
Summary: It could have been different. But I guess it was just another 'could'. So pitiful. Hikaru/Kaoru, death, angsty, what more can I say? I appreciate reviews, especially the funny ones! It's my first fanfiction so please enjoy!
1. Could Have Beens

**A/N: My first Fanfic! Yay! I'm kinda exited. It is very angsty but please don't judge me on that. I can only seem to write angsty things.  
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**WARNINGS: Death, Twincest, Shounen-ai**

**Disclaimer: OuranHSHC does not belong to me. If it did I might have something better to do than sit here writing this. Just kidding!**

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**Could Have Beens**

It could have been perfect

It could have gone well.

It could have worked.

We could have worked it out.

We could have worked _something_ out.

We could have tried.

I could have kept my mouth shut.

I could have been happy with what I had.

I could have ignored it.

I could have been an idiot like them and not face these feelings.

I could have not had these impossible feelings in the first place.

But it couldn't have worked.

No matter how much I tried.

Maybe that was why God, or whatever cruel force that seems to be controlling fate these days, smashed her into our lives.

Into our _life_.

I thought about this so much now, especially when she stared at us. It wasn't the staring itself that aggravated me, I was used to being observed every second of my life. It was her staring at  
_him_ that bothered me. And the face, so identical to mine, smiling back that really hit me below the belt.

I didn't know why this upset me at first; or rather what was the reason for my depressed mood. I knew I loved him, I still loved him. I knew I loved her, and I still love her too. I knew I was insanely jealous, but who of? But I knew the answer. I always had.

And that day I told him. My twin had stared into my eyes with the strangest expression. Not knowing what to do or say. It must have been so bittersweet for him. We knew that we both loved each other. And we knew that we both loved her. I knew I loved him more, the distance between the two loves couldn't be compared to anything, not even nothing.

I could almost see my own face twisting into the same odd expression in his golden eyes. No, we weren't identical this time. His pain was pity, just an apology for not loving me enough. My pain, I don't even know what it was. I didn't know what being shot through the temple was like, but I imagined the pain like this. Though it would probably have been a relentless pain in the head, not some dastardly organ in my chest.

"Haha!" I had tried my best at what I greatly hoped was a lighthearted chuckle. We knew it wasn't. I had looked out the window so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye, "Wow I didn't think you'd fall for it, Hikaru. Idiot." Neither of us had bought it.

I guess I had known it all along. I'd known that he loved her more. Maybe that was just my last hope. Was I that desperate? Now that I thought about it, I guess I couldn't blame Hikaru for pitying me.

I stared at my twins sleeping face. It was just another sleepless night for me. Stupid Hikaru was still uncomfortable around me but we fell easily into our usual routines. I didn't like that at all. I hoped I wouldn't hurt my Hikaru too much.

I blinked at myself in surprise. _My_ Hikaru? Since when had I referred to my brother as one of my possessions? _Always. _A sick voice in my head answered, it was my voice. I would really miss him. I was so stupid. This line of thought would only lead me to more tears. I didn't want to be sad. It was my decision.

"I wonder, Hikaru," I whispered without fear of being heard by my serene doppelganger. "Who do you think would be in most pain?" A pause while I waited for the answer that wasn't going to come.

"I'm sorry."


	2. Blur

I had always thought that our lives were two fragile threads intertwined so tightly that they would, someday, merge into just one breakable soul. I thought that if one of us fell, the other would surely go plunging down without a moment's delay. I thought that we would always share the same mind, the same heart, the same soul, the same love. But, looking back on the ridiculous philosophy I had conjured up to satisfy my own selfishness, I realize only now that I couldn't have been more wrong. Only now that I was on the edge of insanity.

My brother was flying higher than he had ever dreamed possible. While I had sunken to the lowest pits of despair despite my desperate attempts to not be such a lovesick coward. Of course, I didn't mean this literally.

Hikaru and I were sitting side by side at the small round table protected by the oversized umbrella from the blazing sun. Our matching expressions were of amusement as Haruhi complained about expensive summer dress I had forced her into earlier. I knew Hikaru would like that. He liked it a very much. And that was way too much for me.

We were at an amusement park, trying to persuade Haruhi to spend the day with us instead of going to a sale at the commoners' supermarket.

"Please Haruhi," my twin begged between chuckles. "We could order our chefs to make the most mouthwatering dishes tonight." Hikaru clapped a hand to his chest and raised the other as if to hold a platter of the delicious food he was so keen to boost about.

"I-I'm not that gluttonous a person to be bribed by food every time you know," the blushing girl protested. The fight was won. Hikaru and I sneered in unison; we had known that she would give in. "Thank you Haruhi-cha~n," we sang as we linked our arms with Haruhi's.

I was almost surprised to find myself truly thankful. _Hikaru's happy. He'll be happy._ This time the voice wasn't as disgusting as it had been before. But its words still sickened me. I knew that Haruhi would take care of my twin. She cared for him and he cared for her, there was no reason why it wouldn't work. But did I want it to work? I really didn't understand anymore. I would always want Hikaru to be happy. Always.

_But still, I'd always want him all to myself._

"Hurry up, Haruhi," my twin urged. "Who knows, this might be the last time all three of us could go out like this. Right, Kao- Kaoru?"

I think that's when I messed up. That's when I blew everything. Maybe there was just a funny look in my eye. Maybe it was how he seemed to know what I had planned all along. Maybe it was some kind of twin telepathy. I don't know. But it wasn't exactly how I planned to tell him. Not at all.

"Kaoru!" He screamed though barely a sound escaped him. Only a pitiful whimper. "Don't," he cried, now clutching my shoulders. "Why," his eyes were half-crazed now.

"Hikaru," my eyes were squeezed tightly shut, I couldn't look him in the eye or my resolve would have failed me. "I'm sorry." I didn't know how to convey the words. How to tell him that I couldn't live without him. And how I couldn't live with myself if I tore him away from Haruhi. It was just impossible. I knew that I'd pull through if I really tried. But I didn't want to. I would never love anyone like I'd love Hikaru. It was better if I didn't exist right now.

He knew that I made my decision; he knew he couldn't change it. He'd try of course, it was his hardheaded nature. But we knew he wouldn't succeed. His breathing calmed. "Kaoru."

"I know, Hikaru."

"Don't go."

"I'm sorry."

Everything else I remember was a blur. All just colors. Shapes. Sounds. Nothing more. I don't remember how I died. I don't know where I am now either. But I miss Hikaru. I still love him. I think I'm more of an idiot than my brother. I've hung on to such a stupid thing. I almost regret my decision. It's stupid.

_It's so pitiful._

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**A/N- So my first Fanfiction is FINALLY done! :) Very happy. **


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